Yes, I am a parent, and as such, there are things I learned along the way about children and parenting in general.
If you’re ready for a little chuckle, a smile, or even agreeing with me, read on, my friend and enjoy.
If some of these don’t make sense, I homeschooled my son in a secular fashion. I also made sure we went to homeschool coops for social interaction.
1. BEING A PARENT IS LIKE BEING IN THE MILITARY. IT’S NOT JUST A JOB IT’S AN ADVENTURE. ONE THAT DOESN’T GET YOU ANY SPECIAL POWERS, MIND YOU, BUT IT’S AN ADVENTURE NONE THE LESS.
2. You need to seriously change punishments when you tell him to “Drop and give you 50 push ups”, and he’s already five into them before you finish the punishment.
3. Mommy feet= Ninja skills. When you can stand at the office and watch him play for a good five minutes before he notices you and it scares the crap out of him, you’re doing it flawlessly.
4. You begin to wonder who the bigger child is when your kid and his dad are negotiating for time on the PS2 and the computer.
5. When the only to wake up your kid in the morning is to smack him really hard on the ass, be sure he is NOT lying on his back. ooops.
6. You can’t wait to say those magic words. “You want to get that? Get a job, and you can afford that.” It’s very liberating.
7. When you are teaching him how to drive, he will never understand why you constantly look like you are going to jump out of your skin. He doesn’t get the fact, even though HE is ready, you are NOT, and probably never will be.
8. There will come a time when you make them angry, and they will say that they hate you. Don’t worry. They’re lying to themselves, and will come around to understanding all the stuff you have been telling them.
9. Nothing is unbreakable in the hands of a child. If it has parts, bends, and looks really neat, they will find a way to break it to pieces, and then they won’t understand why you’re angry. So, don’t believe the labeling when it says “unbreakable”. They consider that a challenge.
10. The food always tastes better off of mom and dad’s plate. It doesn’t matter if you’re eating the same thing. It’s not on their plate; so, they will want it. This lasts for many years. BE prepared.
11. Children will have their moments. Moments that make your heart go to goo, and moments that you want to strangle them. Enjoy the good moments, and always have the better sense of walking away for the other moments.
12. When grounding, confiscating all the fun stuff from his room, spanking and corporal punishment doesn’t work, “going all Latino on his ass” will scare the crap out of him. Especially when he has to duck. You learn then that Dr. Spock never had kids, and that he needed to have at least three.
13. Teenagers are inevitable. (The boys.) They are unkempt, practice eye-rolling, defiance, and outright rebellion. (the girls) They will hog the phone, mock you, and argue because they think they make more sense than you, and hog the bathroom. Sound familiar? It should. We have all been there.
14. Wait for it. There will come a time when they channel you, and the things you have been saying. The blessing for this is hoping that you are present to witness it happening so you can laugh your butt off.
15. Never be afraid to embarrass your kids. This is the most fun you will have as a parent. Especially when you have been calling them for the past five minutes with no response, and then decide to shout “Hey! Wall!”, and they turn to see what you want. heh heh heh. It isn’t until their friends are laughing, that it dawns on them what just happened.
16. There will be times that you will not understand them, and they will get frustrated when you start asking questions. When this happens, simply smile and nod your head. It will be over soon.
17. They will play music that will make your ears bleed. If you call it noise, you will only sound like your parents. Just find something else to listen to and walk away. The only time this is a problem is when they want you to listen to it as well. Look at the computer/radio/CD player like it is possessed. It works for me.
18. They hate when you share baby stories. So, do that often. After all, your grandparents did it to your parents, and your parents did it to you; so, it’s only fair. It’s tradition.
19. This is a further reference to #15. Always, ALWAYS, have embarrassing pictures of your children around. This is so, when they are full of themselves, you can whip out the pictures in front of their boy/girlfriend, and say, “This is_________ when they were smaller, and this is when he/she____________.” This is called subtle retribution. You, as a parent, will relish the first time you get to do this.
20. When you think you will never understand them, you have reached that point in parenthood that you have to regress. You have done the unthinkable. You have become a full-fledged adult. Do NOT ever grow up completely. Being able to think like they do is our last resort. STOP what you are doing, and do something frivolous, fun, and without thinking. After all, they do it all the time.
21. They may not seem to be paying attention, but they are. So, keep telling them what you want them to know. It will sink in, eventually.
22. When they say, “I love you.” in sweet tones that make your heart melt, they are either up to something or want something. Be on guard.
23. When they are small, they are supposed to be noisy. Be afraid. Be veeeery afraid when all noise ceases. Something is about to break, or they are getting into something you told them not to touch.
24. It matters not if their biological parent was present to help you. You child will inevitably do something, say something, or look a certain way, and it will remind you of that person. You can’t beat genetics. Just make sure you never hated that person, and it won’t shock you as much.
25. When they are toddlers, be prepared. They will run around with no clothes on. Remember this for future kid stories.