…or how I am not angry at not meeting goals this month.
I had it all planned out. Shilling my novel, posting about lore, gaming posts, and reviews, and regularly uploading to my Youtube channel.
I was even going to get into the swing of scheduling marketing posts for my writing and proofreading services.
Then, life happened. My father went to the hospital, and everything was put on the back burner. I am not blaming my dad. Don’t get it twisted.
My state of mind…
Something happens to you mentally when you watch a loved one slowly fade into a fraction of what they used to be. Watching dad go from a strong and capable person to someone who couldn’t walk two feet without being winded gutted me.
I would see the look on his face when mom and I would do something for him that he used to do for himself. It was a mixture of frustration, sadness, and shame. I hated yet understood that look.
He never wanted to be a burden, and he hated it when we told him we would help him.
I hear about people who were able to work through watching someone ill fade, but every time I sat to work, nothing would come to me. No thoughts coalesced, no urge to get things done, nothing. I would listen to videos and scroll on social media.
I would spend hours being a prisoner to the inability to make my dad better. I know I couldn’t do anything to make him more comfortable or anything.
I tried to hold back the tears when we visited him in hospice. The realization that he was never coming home hit me like a ton of bricks.
I tried to be strong for my mother. I would do my best to hold back the tears until I was out of her eyeshot. It didn’t work. We would both look at each other and know we were on the verge of breaking down.
Just being transparent…
Out of the $800 goal for the month, I was able to make $143.49. This includes commissions, tips, and monthly patron support.
I didn’t meet a single goal for the month of January, and you know what? I am not mad at myself, nor am I blaming anyone for it. When life happens, you strap yourself in and ride it out.
Until next time,
Anissa “Maddy” Walker