I watched Sweet Revenge
(This is the Jason Universe/Angry Orchard short)
WAS I ENTERTAINED?
Far less than I wanted to be.
WHAT WORKED FOR ME?
The first song was getting so close to catching me and I very much wish it did.
When Old Man and Main Girl chat (I think her name is Eve so I’m calling her that from now on) we’re not bombarded with an overabundance of noise or music and I appreciate that.
Those first bodies we come across were really well done! Not only that, but they were obviously killed in a manner that didn’t need two of every unusual implement in the tool shed. Again, very well done!
The second female lead pushes Eve, our main character, to the side to escape. That’s not just funny, that’s survival and it’s good to see a broader example of humanity on display.
We can see the point when Eve finally knows that something more happened to her in the lake. Then by the end of this excursion we, the audience, are pretty sure, too. You know what? I’m not even mad about it! Over the years many of us have discussed how the Curse of Crystal Lake might present itself and why not throw Eve into that particular mix? It has possibilities.
WHAT DIDN’T WORK FOR ME?
The first guy we see has a man-bun and he looks way to old for it. I call this a sign.
The dialogue between the two female leads comes across as disingenuous to me. It’s immediately too full of that fake, “You’re the amazingly amazing gurl,” nonsense.
When Old Man and Eve chat we’re not bombarded with an overabundance of noise or music and as much as I appreciate that, I still couldn’t quite make out Eve’s name.
Old Man is a Creeper because Old Man is a Creeper. It’s almost as though we’re rehashing films that have been made before.
I don’t know if this is down to the writing, the directing, or the acting, but many of these characters are behaving like they’re pretending they’re in a movie.
Don’t show me a cell phone text message screen unless you intend to let me read it.
Eve goes from scared and panting to steely-faced determination and back again for no discernible reason.
And then we get the kills that are needlessly complicated. I don’t care what movie it is or who makes it, the needlessly complicated kills are almost exclusively stupid for a killer who is on a spree. Such killers, especially the likes of Jason Voorhees, work with that which is within reach. They don’t go running off to Home Depot or Autozone for gear to make it cool. Hey, maybe they should. Then we could get more tone-def shorts with different sponsors!
I don’t care if Jason is a mongoloid or not, that apple corer/slicer is not going to make a good murder weapon (yes, I know it’s part of the product placement). This is the kind of thing that will put the Spark in my Snark even though I’m trying to give this film a fair shake.
The sign does not read, “Welcome to Camp Crystal Lake.” It reads, “Welcome to Cabins at Crystal Lake. Now here’s a Pro Tip: When using signs in your movie make them readable by the audience.
The score is trying so very hard, but it’s missing the mark for a Friday the 13th score.
Every time we see a glimpse of Jason in this short it’s just that; A glimpse. It’s like they’re embarrassed to let us see him. Then we finally get a good shot of him at the end and he’s just… You know what? Jason needs a sandwich, that’s what!
WOULD I RECOMMEND?
No, but sometimes Yes. It does have some good elements.
I’m not even put off by the Angry Orchard product placement because with that they had the good sense to not have every label properly framed and always facing the camera. That’s a smart move if you ask me.
This is a marketing vehicle that looks, sounds, tastes, and smells like a marketing vehicle. As a result it feels less like art or a labor of love and evermore like a marketing vehicle, all the while insisting that it’s a short. So that’s how I judged it; As a short.
From what I’ve seen thus far Jason Universe will only ever be, and indeed only ever aspire to be, a Marketing Tool.
I’m sorry if that’s harsh of me, but they will never know that they need to improve if we only ever pat them on the rump and cheerfully decree, “Good job,” like a condescending mother to her three-year-old. I would love to see improvement.
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